my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
