A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
