I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
