why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize