im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
