I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
