I want to have your abortion
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
