So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
