y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
