i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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