You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
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If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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