I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
