I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
