She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
