Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
not ubering you a puppy
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