I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
