Come see our sink grown plant.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
