I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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