Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
