I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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