I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
