Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
