I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
