Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you