tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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