her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
