i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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