Please, let me fuck your mom
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
