I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
