Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
