I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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