Where did you get a picture of my penis
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
