Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
