I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
