Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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