Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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