I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
