now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My dad is sitting where you rode me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
