Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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