I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
sarcasm needs its own font
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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