I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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