Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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