My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
