I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
