when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
