You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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