i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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