On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
