Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
