I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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