apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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