Who wears a wallet chain?!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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