The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Randomize
