I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
