i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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