He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
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Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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