I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
